Light or Darkness?

A thought occurred to me tonight, as I was nearing the conclusion of Phyllis Curott’s memoir Book of Shadows:

For so many years, I attempted to walk in what was deemed “the light” by so many.  And to an overwhelming degree, it brought only anger, frustration, and pain.  It brought, almost without exception, a denial of my gifts, a denial of my potentials as a human being.  Its offspring taught me how to fear, how to hate, how to pass judgment on myself and others. 

And yet now, here I am, attempting to walk in what most have called the Darkness: the way of Wicca, the “old ways,” the ways of the pagan and of the Mother Earth.  And paradoxically enough, it would appear that only now am I beginning to heal, or to see even the potential for divine love and healing.  For sure, I have a long way to go.  But there is a growing sense that something is growing here, and that this something holds real potential for love, for light, for openness, and for generosity towards self, Spirit and others such as I may have never seen in my lifetime. 

Goddess, how do I describe, or account for this, in ways that will make any sense to others?  Or, for now, do I need to merely abide in the process, seeking to learn to walk this path, unhurriedly, while I seek also to learn its lessons – and learn who I am, and what I can become?

Body...and Soul

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately: What does my body know that my mind has forgotten?

What does my body know that my heart is afraid to express?  Or has forgotten how to express?

But my body -- my heart and soul -- is on its way to becoming alive again, in small ways.

In the beauty of a yellow tulip.  In the beauty and simplicity of a clear vase with long-stemmed flowers.  In the gifts of earth and water, I am slowly remembering.  

The body -- my body -- is my friend and not my foe.  It has lessons to teach me, and perhaps has been trying to do just this for a long, long time.  

But I have been too afraid to listen.  Or I have not know how to.  Until now.
 

Not Just A Walk In The Park...

From my journal this afternoon, about 12:30 PM:

So, here I am at the Confederate Memorial Park in North Alabama, sitting up against a tree on one of the walking trails.  I can hear various birds singing around me.  It's about 12:30 in the afternoon.

The most obvious question that arises is: Why am I here?  I've never had a particular affinity for the out-of-doors.  The thought of going camping doesn't appeal to me, and most of my life I've been quite content with my creature comforts of air conditioning and indoor plumbing, thank you.  And I'm probably a bit more paranoid about the possibility of encountering snakes or ticks than I need to be.

So, why am I here?

Am I attempting to "force" myself into a supposedly Wiccan/Pagan mode of "loving the earth" -- or am I merely trying to learn how to appreciate it?

It is quiet and peaceful here, and I can appreciate that.  

I'm here because I do have some appreciation for nature, however peripheral.  Most any kind of plant, tree or bird - I have no idea what type they are or what they are called.  All I would call them at this point is "tree" or "bird."  

I'm here because I'm seeking a kind of solidarity which I hope the earth can give me, or can begin to nurture within me.  

I'm here because of a couple of recent items I've stumbled across that speak of nature's spirit as having a calming, healing affect - and not merely in a theoretical context, but by those who have actually experienced it.  

I'm here to take the first steps towards (I hope) a greater awareness of the earth, the wheel of the year - and myself.

May the spirit of this place and the God and Goddess themselves bless my efforts, however feeble, however steeped in ignorance they may be.  May these be my first steps...toward wisdom.
 

More From My Current Read....

More from Book of Shadows by Phyllis Curott:

“These were the unnatural, man-made consequences of a cultural shift that began thousands of years ago, away from the sacred earth, to a distant sky god.  The religious beliefs of a culture define its values.  Its cosmology has tremendous impact on social and economic institutions, culture, history, the status of women, sexuality, and countless other facets of daily life.  We have become disconnected from the divine, from the feminine, the earth, and from each other, living a millennial alienation from the sacred.  God was separated from man, man was separated from woman, and all were separated from the earth.  For too many centuries, each has existed in painful separation from the others, and the world we have created expresses this terrible alienation.  It also expresses our longing for reunion.    (p. 125)

I needed to work with the earth to attain balance in my life, to find a means of expression for my ideas, passions, and dreams, and a way to give them form.  I needed to learn the wisdom of my body and my heart, not just the wisdom of my mind.  The ideas coming from my mind were like the blowing winds – here and then gone.  But the wisdom that moves upward from the earth remains rooted in earth and connects it to air, water and fire. 

Patience was what was important, not just the destination, but the journey.  The goal was not just being full-grown, but learning to grow.  …I had to learn the wisdom of the earth for my like to take form. 

My body was…already…teaching me lessons I needed to learn.  It required better care.  My body was not just some biological machine designed to carry my consciousness around.  I was beginning to understand that, contrary to a culture which called the body sinful, it had intrinsic value, intelligence, and spiritual wisdom to offer me, if I would honor it.”                                                           (pp. 130-131)

My Current Read....

Lately, I find myself wanting to explore the path of Paganism in greater depth.  I have been familiar with it for years, but am considering more seriously if it may, in fact, be a viable spiritual path for me.  Towards that end, my beginning point is to re-read a perennial favorite of mine, Phyllis Curott's engaging memoir, Book of Shadows.  Originally published in 1998, the book tells her story as she moved from someone with an Ivy League education and a lawyer's occupation (whose approach was mainly intellectual) into the world of Wicca.  It entails what she found there, the things she at first grappled with, and how she came to reconcile her intellect with the stirrings and yearnings of her own heart.  I'm about 130 pages into the re-reading.  Check this one out if you can; it's a good read.  Here is a thought-provoking quote from the book which I found particularly worthy:

"Unfortunately, our culture has dismissed the religions and metaphors of Native Americans, aborigines, witches, and other indigenous earth religions as primitive pantheism in which trees, and rocks, and springs were superstitiously worshipped.  Oblivious to its own prejudices, our Western world demeans their religion as an idolatrous, frightened inability to know the one “true,” transcendent God.  Erroneously dismissed as godlessness, paganism is actually just the opposite: It is a spirituality in which everything in the natural world is experienced as holy.  These were people who lived close to the earth, intimate with her changing seasons, her generosity, and her mystery.  It was from this familiarity, not fear, that their knowledge of the sacred arose. 

 Contrary to the old Western patriarchal interpretations of the Divine as transcendent and the earth as fallen from grace, [these people] believed that the body and the earth were sacred, so neither required conquest or denial.  The body, and the earth, are not only temples of the spirit, but its living manifestation.  The wisdom of the body and the earth is the spirit's wisdom, and therefore to be revered."  (pp. 116-117)